All 30 MLB Teams Walk into a Bar

At one point last year, an article circulated social media that posited what the scene would be like if all fifty states walked into a bar. The piece gained a good amount of popularity, for it introduced a novel concept and asked a unique, funny question: relying on traditional stereotypes attributed to every US state, what personas would each adopt if submerged into the dynamic one would normally find at a pub?

The findings were funny, because I found myself subconsciously agreeing with many of them. Indiana was the guy waiting in line for the bathroom, checking out the ladies and muttering about how you can’t buy beer on Sundays. Connecticut was a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states. Washington was an outdoors-loving girl who yelled at New Jersey for throwing a napkin carelessly on the floor. The entire article can be found here.

But frankly, it was the fun idea of making blunt generalizations about each community that was addictive and stuck with me. It strayed me from states and got me thinking: what would it be like if every MLB team walked into a bar? Based on their history and the culture of their fanbase, what would we probably find each doing?

So here we go. Cue up your best image of a college bar (that's mine pictured above), brace yourself for some real hot takes, and join me in imagining: you walk into a bar, and every Major League Baseball team is there as well. The scene is as such:

The Chicago Cubs are that guy that everyone loved because he was a loser, but now everyone hates because he’s popular. Need I say more to describe the current sentiment toward the Cubs? Nobody had issues with them before their recent rise to success. And now it seems that everybody hates them. Just because they’re good.

The Houston Astros are that chick who knows way more about sports than you do. Aw, look at the Astros all cute and innocent, thinking they know how to play baseball but are really just there to circle the bottom of the division for years. Can I buy you a dr – holy shit, you guys have won how many games?!

The Boston Red Sox are that super intense guy who is playing Pop-a-Shot in the rear of the bar, yelling at the machine as he tries to best his own record. After the curse-breaking year of 2004, Sox fans now seem to never feel content unless they have won it all. They’re always way too into their team’s performance and seem too quick to criticize its players, management, or front office. They’re really just playing against themselves.

The New York Mets are that guy who is constantly asking people if they’re “ready to head somewhere else?” The Mets have the strangest aura about them. They always seem to think of themselves one of the best teams in the league…even though they’re rarely the best in their own division. They think they run the show, but nobody else thinks that’s the case at all. They don’t actually have the pull to convince others to follow them to the next bar.

The Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers are those two guys playing dice at the bar, getting way too into their game and screaming about it as if everyone else cares as well – but in reality, nobody gives a shit. What the hell is up with the new “rivalry” between these teams? Yes, you guys had that weirdly intense moment in the 2015 ALDS – but that really didn’t need to escalate into anything further. It feels like Toronto and Texas are almost trying to get others to acknowledge their spat as a “big-time rivalry.” But no matter how loud you yell, unless you’re Dodgers-Giants or Red Sox-Yankees…nobody gives a shit.

The Miami Marlins are that foreign exchange student who barely speaks any English and nobody understands. I simply don’t get the Fish. Remember when they bought all those people in 2012 and then sold them a couple months later? Remember the two random Marlins teams that won the World Series? And what the hell is up with that carnival sculpture in center field of Marlins Park, man? I don’t understand any of it at all.

The Oakland Athletics are that one guy who just doesn’t give a fuck. Do the A’s actually give a fuck? Asking for a friend.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are that good-looking rich kid who peaked in high school, never did anything with his talent, and yet remains a person whom everyone still idolizes for some indescribable reason. The Dodgers are so rich, look so good, and have so much talent…and yet can never win it all. They make the playoffs all the time and are automatically recognized as “good” by everyone, but I can’t remember the last time anybody was truly confident that they would win the World Series.

The Atlanta Braves are that dude who Irish-goodbyed everyone. Remember when the Braves were simply amazing? When they had Chipper Jones, Andruw Jones, and Javi Lopez – not to mention a staff that consisted of Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz? Remember when they were THE team to beat in the NL for almost two decades? Remember – hey…where did they go?

The San Francisco Giants and Washington Nationals are those two really scary guys standing in the corner of the bar. No matter how their season is going; no matter how docile the team appears to be, I never EVER want to play the Nationals nor the Giants. Even though San Francisco is bad right now, I feel like it would surprise nobody if they caught fire in August, surged into the playoffs, and won it all. Meanwhile, have you seen the Nationals’ numbers on offense? These teams are scary, man. Don’t fuck with them.

The Milwaukee Brewers are that dad buying rounds for the whole bar to make sure everyone is having a good time. It always seems like the Brewers – and their fans – exist in the league to make sure that everybody else has a good time. Think about it, who doesn’t love the Brewers? If you are a team that regularly beats up on them, you love them for bettering your chances of getting to the playoffs. And when they somehow find a way to string enough wins together, you weirdly find yourself rooting for them to make the playoffs, because they’re harmless, lovable, and (again) just here to make sure everyone else is happy. Thanks, Dad.

The Tampa Bay Rays are that lame dude who decided to stay in that night. Still not sure if I’ve ever actually met a Rays fan.

The Detroit Tigers are that guy rippin’ cigs in the corner. I don’t know why, but I feel like Detroit is still the most throwback and gritty team out there. Maybe it’s the fact that, even though he’s gone, I still picture good ol’ Jim Leyland (right) and his knee-high socks every time I see them play. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re from the Motor City. But I feel like the Tigers still belong in an era when everyone smoked in bars.

The Seattle Mariners are that guy who everyone idolized in the 90s because of his sick guitar skills and easy drug connections – but his band never went anywhere, he still smokes a ton of weed, and who knows if he’s ever going to go do anything with his life. Like the Seattle music scene, the 90s were great for Mariner fans, with 2001 being the climax of success. But the music of today is far different, and tunes that were once popular are now barely known by anyone. Maybe a return tour is on the way. Then again, maybe it’s just not.

The Kansas City Royals are that guy who was super nerdy for a while and was ignored by everyone, then became really cool for a hot second – before he let his newfound popularity go to his head, started doing hard drugs, and became a total douchebag that nobody likes. The Royals were oh so bad for the majority of the 90s and 00s, and then found a fleeting glimpse of success with their back-to-back World Series appearances – until they became full of it, started fighting teams left and right, and essentially just turned into dicks.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are that guy who everyone sees out and about here and there, but whose name nobody actually knows. I know simply nothing about the Diamondbacks. I know they’re really really good right now…but I really just know nothing else about them.

The Los Angeles Angels are that shy girl who never got out much because her father was oppressively strict. Is Mike Scioscia ever going to leave Los Angeles? The Angels were good once upon a time, but now they’ve got the best player in baseball and no team to support him. Loosen the leash a little, LA.

The San Diego Padres are puking in the toilet.

The Philadelphia Phillies and Minnesota Twins are those guys who everyone is indifferent toward. I have no problem with either of these teams – but I also don’t particularly like either of these teams. I’m totally indifferent to these teams. If they lost a game, I’d say “Yeah, Minnesota/Philadelphia lost. Okay.” And if they won the World Series, I’d be like “Cool, Minnesota/Philadelphia won the World Series. Whatever.”

The Colorado Rockies are that one chick that everyone hits on because they think they’ve got a good chance of scoring. Since 2011, the Rockies have had a team ERA that is regularly in the bottom 5 of all of MLB, finishing dead last in 3 of those seasons. Simply put: play them, hit on them, and you’ve got a good chance of scoring a whole bunch (of runs).

The Chicago White Sox are the twin who unfortunately got the ugly genes in the family. The Cubs are bigger, better, faster, stronger, richer, more popular, and better looking than their Chicago brethren, the White Sox.

The Cincinnati Reds are that one guy who keeps asking the DJ to play Phil Collins. Have you ever heard of a baseball team that still re-lives the 1970s as if they were yesterday? My god, the banners of Rose, Bench, and the rest of the Big Red Machine still fly around Great American as if those players were on Cincinnati’s starting 25 right now. We get it! You guys were awesome back then. Listen to some music of the now though, eh?

The Baltimore Orioles and Cleveland Indians are alumni from the nearby university who killed it in college, fell off the grid for a while, and have now returned to re-live the old days. For the past two decades, it seemed that Baltimore and Cleveland were down-and-out teams that never went anywhere. Yet over the past few years – and last year, especially – they have returned to their good old ways, with postseason surges that mirror their franchises’ glory days. Cue: Wild Thing.

The St. Louis Cardinals are the bartender. Whether or not you want to admit it, the St. Louis Cardinals are always in control. They are the ones who allow for other NL teams to make it to the World Series by simply deciding whether or not they are going to instead. Ipso facto: you won’t get any drinks without them pouring it for you.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are the bar-back. Every year, I think the Pirates are going to do something. They stand there with a solid team, and often look as if they’ve got what it takes to make a deep run into the playoffs – but then flop, if not fail to make the cut into October in the first place. Like a bar-back, they look like they’re going to do something…but end up just filling space. Unless St. Louis lets them pour a beer, you’re not getting any drinks from Pittsburgh.

The New York Yankees are the bouncer. No matter what type of year they’re having (and they’re currently having a killer year), it seems that if you are to get anywhere in this league, you are going to have to get past the Bronx Bombers at one point or another.

Disagree with us? Got different suggestions for teams? Let us know! Tweet your thoughts @marinermuse; #BaseballBar.

#Opinion