Where Are They Ner? (August)

Russell Branyan | First Base Ner From: 2009-2010

Best Ner Moment: Branyan’s 2009 season was a glittery spot in the middle of the dead zone seasons of the 2000s for Mariner fans. In ’09, Russell “The Muscle” swatted 31 dingers for a surprisingly decent Ners team that won 87 games. Perhaps his best moment came on August 9, when he secured an 11-2 demolishing of the Boston Red Sox by hitting a grand salami in the 6th inning for his 25th home run of the year, marking his career high.

Where MM Guessed He Is Ner: Maybe it’s because his walk-up song was “Hillbilly Deluxe,” (and slick pick-up trucks! Big-timing in a small town…) but Russell always appeared to be a big-time southern boy. Therefore, we assume that he’s now retired somewhere in Texas, owns two different pick-up trucks, and fishes a lot with old MLB friends, who include Richie Sexson, Michael Young, and (oddly) Juan Uribe.

Where He Actually is Ner: Branyan does not live in the south (he lives in Ohio), but he did name his youngest son Cash, after Johnny Cash. That’s cool. What’s not cool is Branyan’s history with his ex-wife, Jill. I did not know this, but during his entire tenure as a Ner, Russell was under scrutiny for allegedly hitting Jill on their way home from some restaurant named “The Cowboy.” Branyan was eventually requested never to be within 500 feet of Jill, and the two later divorced (duh). But it gets weirder. Just a few years ago, in 2015, Russell Branyan was arrested after breaking into Jill’s house in Tennessee. He stole a few things, yeah, but what the authorities wound up charging him on was – I kid you not – turning the thermometer in her house all the way down, in attempt to make his ex-wife very cold.

Brandon League | Reliever Ner From: 2010-2012

Best Ner Moment: With the All-Star Game in the rearview mirror and another memorable Mariner contribution in the books, we decided to feature an obscure All-Star of recent past: Brandon League. Fun fact about the 2011 Mariners: they were bad. They won 67 games and Brendan Ryan led them in BRef WAR. Nevertheless, they had 3 all-stars: Felix Hernandez, Michael Pineda, and League. It’s hard to say he didn’t deserve it. League was 37/42 for the year in saves and had a 2.79 ERA. Beside one bad stretch in May of that season, he was pretty rock solid all season long. It was certainly the peak of his Mariners career.

Where MM Guessed He Is Ner: So League always seemed like a bit of a wild card. Typically, when we try to guess what a retired pitcher is doing, it’s either pitching coach, roving instructor or independent pitching specialist. But something about League was always goofy, and he had a really weird look to him: slack jawed, funky hair, lots of tattoos. So I’ll say he invested in tattoo parlors in his native Hawaii. Where He Actually is Ner: It’s not exactly clear. He’s residing in Hawaii these days after attempting a comeback in 2017 spring training with the Royals. He spent some of the 2017 season playing for, and I can’t make this name up, the New Britain Bees in a domestic independent league. The last news story posted about League discussed him listing his home in Honolulu for $3.8 million. Still, the latest updates list Brandon as a free agent…and he’s only 34, so if he can make it back, more power to him.

Matt Tuiassosopo | Outfield Ner From: 2004-2011 (2008-2010 in MLB)

Best Ner Moment: A lot of these moments are hard to pick and end up being a certain period of a player’s career with the Ners, like a three months period that earned a little-thought-of player an All-Star Game appearance. For Tuiasosopo, a decidedly replacement-level Major League Baseball player with a famous Seattle sports name, this moment is less about him than it is Ners commentator Mike Blowers. Sure, it’s Tuiasosopo’s first career dinger (Sept. 27, 2009), but Blowers LITERALLY PREDICTED THE EXACT INNING, COUNT AND LANDING LOCATION OF THE HOMER. (Don’t believe me? Watch it here. The clip is especially notable for Dave Niehaus yelling “I SEE THE LIGHT” at Blowers). The moment was an insane one, and the highest of highs in a career that didn’t produce many of them.

Where MM Guessed He Is Ner: Tuiasosopo comes from a legendary athletic family in the Seattle area, and his older brother, UW football legend Marques went into coaching, (he now leading the QBs at UC Berkeley). It only makes sense that Matt followed in his footsteps, coaching baseball somewhere in the lower minor leagues or college scene.

Where He Actually is Ner: Incredibly, despite leaving the Mariners organization in 2011, Tuiasosopo remained in AAA for various franchises, most recently the Braves, until just last year! He also played for the Mets, Tigers, Blue Jays and White Sox and appeared in an additional 84 MLB games, including three with Atlanta in 2016. Matt doesn’t appear to be giving up his professional dream either, as he’s spent the 2018 season with prominent independent team the New Britain Bees, which can often be a landing spot for a veteran looking to make a comeback. He’s also only 32 years old, so who knows if Tui can make it back to the big leagues one day. There’s a lot of tanking teams in the sport that could use a versatile minor league veteran.

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