Remember these guys? (They pitched this year)

When Shae Simmons entered Sunday’s game to take the mound in relief, a record was achieved at Safeco Field. It wasn’t necessarily the type of record you strive for, but it was a record nonetheless. Simmons was the 40th pitcher used by the Mariners this year, which ties them with the 2014 Rangers for most pitchers ever used by an MLB team in a single season.

That’s a lot to process…but if you’ve followed the Ners more than casually this season, it shouldn’t be a surprise. Every single one of the preseason projected five starters for the Mariners has spent time out of the rotation at some point this season.

For Felix Hernandez (bicep, others), James Paxton (pectoral, forearm, somehow not his middle finger this time), Drew Smyly (elbow, once considered soggy, now just fucked), Hisashi Iwakuma (shoulder, just old at this point), the problems were injury-related. The 5th starter, Yovani Gallardo, got taken out of the rotation because he sucked, showed he was great as a reliever, and once again sucks as a starter.

Ariel Miranda is the only starter who has lasted the whole season, a role he’s definitely not cut out for. At least his 4.85 ERA looks phenomenal next to Gallardo’s 5.79 mark.

But the fact is the Mariners have had a ton of random, unexpected guys come out of nowhere to pitch for them this season. Seriously, Mike Leake just replaced Marco Gonzales in the rotation. Tell that to your April self. The reaction would probably be like, “wait, that dude with the long hair? And who?”

In honor of that reaction, we broke down the 10 most random players to toe the slab for the Ners this season. Some will make you chuckle, some will make you shake your head, but all 10 are symptomatic of a truly disastrous year of pitching health.

10. Carlos Ruiz

Chooooooooooch. Ruiz has been the Mariners’ backup catcher for most of the season, and their starting catcher when he wasn’t. He’s done his job admirably, appearing in 46 games and managing a .624 OPS, which, whatever, he’s a backup catcher.

However, Chooch also pitched for the first time in his career in June against the Twins. He threw 30 pitches, 14 strikes and almost threw 85 MPH, according to CSN Philly, which I assume wrote an article about it because they’re still in love with him.

He allowed a dinger to Eddie Rosario, but he made it through the inning and actually struck out Kennys Vargas looking, which I hope led to Vargas having to wear a dress or do some sort of drinking challenge to compensate for his embarrassment.

Chooch is low on the list because he’s been on the team all year and everyone knows his name.

9. Dillon Overton

People who were obsessed with the Flow Bros, Taylor Motter and Ben Gamel, at the beginning of the season may have forgotten that there originally was a third member of the band, who was kicked out because he pitched like shit. That third member was Overton, who made 9 appearances before May 20, including one spot start, and racked up a 6.38 ERA.

Overton was dumped in June and picked up by the Padres, who he pitched for once, a spot start in which he was similarly bad. At least he has that great hair to fall back on.

8. Evan Marshall

Fun fact: when you Google Evan Marshall, the first thing that comes up is an article about him nearly dying after getting hit in the head with a ball hit 105 mph right at him.

Not fun fact: Marshall has a 9.39 ERA in six appearances out of the Ners’ bullpen before his season was derailed by a severe hamstring injury.

7. Chris Heston

Fun fact: Chris Heston once threw a no-hitter in a major league game. It was not done in a Mariners’ uniform.

Not fun fact: Heston was DFA’d after just two Major League appearances, including a spot start. His ERA was 19.80. That seems like it would’ve been a cool year to be alive in. It’s certainly not a cool ERA.

6. Casey Fien

Fien actually made the bullpen out of spring training, and because of his sig-nificant experience as an MLB reliever, he was handed some fairly high-leverage situations early on. But he absolutely sucked, racking up a 15.00 ERA in six appearances. Fien was off the team by May 9, and he did just as bad for the Phillies.

5. Rob Whalen

Whalen, better known as “not Max Povse” since he came over in the same trade, pitched twice for the Mariners, fared quite poorly in a spot start but then looking pretty solid in a sole relief appearance. The Mariners haven’t bothered with him much, and his 0-7 mark in Tacoma with a 6.58 ERA may explain that. He’s also a big Trump guy, so do with that what you will.

4. Zac Curtis

Another forgotten transaction guy, Curtis was the buried fifth name in the Jean Segura and Mitch Haniger for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte swap that may go down as one of Jerry Dipoto’s best ever moves. Curtis was actually good in his three Major League appearances, allowing a trio of unearned runs in 4.2 innings.

He also has dope hair. I mean, look at that lettuce emerging from his cap…combined with the glasses, he makes for quite the spectacle on the mound – as well as a potential new member of the Flow Bros. And on top of that, he was solid in AA Arkansas, putting together a 3.51 ERA in 41 appearances.

3. Ryan Weber

Poor Ryan Weber. He joined the rotating cast of spot starters for the Mariners early on in the season, and was actually doing pretty well into the fourth inning in Toronto, having only allowed one run and three hits. Then his arm gave out on him, and that was that for his Major League season. He’s still on the 60-day DL, even though his spot start was in early May.

2. Zach Cloyd

I remember two things about Zach Cloyd. One, he actually won the one game he appeared in out of the Mariners’ bullpen. Two, I made a joke on Twitter about how you could say his name like the robotic voice in the Droid commercials.

Also, you remember so little about Cloyd that it probably took you until now to realize his name is actually Tyler Cloyd, not Zach. He’s also 30, which is way too old to have just one MLB appearance. Best of luck Tyler. Or is it Zach? Who knows.

1. Mike Freeman

Oh White Mike. The man responsible for an utterly nasty season-saving diving catch at the end of 2016 was quickly jettisoned from the Ners after Taylor Motter proved moderately effective.

But before he left, he pitched in a game in May for the first time since Little League, as the White Sox were obliterating the Ners. He allowed three hits and a run on a sac fly, but wasn’t all that awful even though he topped out at a Little-League level 78 mph.

He just got called up to the Cubs for the month of September, so this weird year didn’t work out all that badly for him after all.

. . .

So there you have it. From catchers, to pitchers, to middle infielders and guys whose names we completely forget, this has easily been the dumbest bunch of record-breakers I’ve ever seen. Your 2017 Seattle Mariners, everyone.

#Pitching #TeamOverview